corbeau: (Tardis)
posted by [personal profile] corbeau at 03:20pm on 14/01/2014 under , ,
So, I tried logging in to my ages old OD account to post there as I hadn't posted there in forever and I just really needed to get my thoughts down today for some reason. I couldn't log in there so I am here. I have a blogspot blog ( and I'll probably post this there too. I have been feeling the need to write more often. This place is like a stranger to me now. Writing is strange. I haven't written much more than a 3 page snippet of a story that will probably never develop into anything in ages.

I just read Amanda Palmer's last blog about her friend that died and it brought up so many emotions. I'm still very NOT OVER my Mother's death. DEATH. I wrote passing but it's not passing it's Death. With a capital D. She did not lightly pass away in her sleep. She tore a hole in my world. In all of our worlds. My sisters. My Father. We didn't know how to hold ourselves together without her. My sisters and I are close. That won't change. But my Mother's death made it so easy for my Father to completely wash his hands of us. I like to say that I'm truly an orphan because I don't really have a Father anymore, but of course it's not true. I do have a Father. The drugs control his life now. Although to be honest they ALWAYS controlled his life. Once my Mother died he had no reason to care for anything or anyone else except the drugs. He could have. He could have woken up from his daze, gotten the help he needed, and been the Father we've needed since I was in High School.

And don't get me wrong, I know drug addiction is an illness. I know it's not easy to beat. I know it's one of the hardest things people can face. It's just... he had a 12 year old daughter that desperately needed her Father and instead of trying. Instead of fighting for her, he gave in and went into a downward spiral that continues today.

He left a message on my sister Teresa's answering machine last week at 2 in the afternoon. It was a butt dial and so it was him talking with two women about some crazy shit and then talking about what strength pills they wanted to do right then. Ugh. It was difficult to listen to. He sounded insane. Not surprising.

Whenever we confront him about it he asks us to prove that he's doing drugs and gets pissed off and disappears again for months at a time. Then he'll come back to Sunday dinners again like nothing ever happened and tell us he's stopped drinking. For two weeks. Then he'll be drinking a bottle of wine with dinner every weekend.

That call's been playing in my head since I listened to it on Sunday. That's probably why Amanda's post spoke to me so strongly. I know my Father has some kind of guardian angel that keeps him alive but it won't be long before I am truly an orphan if he keeps going the way he is. And as much as I hate him, as much as he disappoints me time and time again, the thought of losing my Father too makes me very sad.

He turned 62 on the 8th of January and he still acts like he's 15 years old. Now that I'm an adult and I look at his behavior I see he's always acted like he was 15 years old. He pretended to be an adult for awhile but it never stuck. He wanted somenone to do his laundry and cook his meals and take care of him the way his Mother did. My Mom did that. When she died, I wouldn't do that for him. I figured that a 53 year old man should be able to take care of his house and cooking his own meals and being responsible for his own child. I was so wrong. I was so SO wrong.

I'm very lucky that my husband and I could take in my sister Julia. She graduated from high school. Got a great scholarship for college. She found a job that she loves and even if she never graduates from college, that's fine. She's strong. She's had to be. Just like we all have.

I'm just feeling fragile and broken today and I want to sit at my desk and cry but I'm trying my hardest not to do that. I've got work to do and I really shouldn't be writing this, but I needed to. I needed to get this stuff off my chest. I'm usually pretty happy go lucky. I mean, look at my Facebook and it'll tell you.

Today is just not one of those days.
Music:: Fitzcarraldo - The Frames
Mood:: 'sad' sad
location: work


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