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posted by [personal profile] corbeau at 03:20pm on 14/01/2014 under , ,
So, I tried logging in to my ages old OD account to post there as I hadn't posted there in forever and I just really needed to get my thoughts down today for some reason. I couldn't log in there so I am here. I have a blogspot blog ( and I'll probably post this there too. I have been feeling the need to write more often. This place is like a stranger to me now. Writing is strange. I haven't written much more than a 3 page snippet of a story that will probably never develop into anything in ages.

I just read Amanda Palmer's last blog about her friend that died and it brought up so many emotions. I'm still very NOT OVER my Mother's death. DEATH. I wrote passing but it's not passing it's Death. With a capital D. She did not lightly pass away in her sleep. She tore a hole in my world. In all of our worlds. My sisters. My Father. We didn't know how to hold ourselves together without her. My sisters and I are close. That won't change. But my Mother's death made it so easy for my Father to completely wash his hands of us. I like to say that I'm truly an orphan because I don't really have a Father anymore, but of course it's not true. I do have a Father. The drugs control his life now. Although to be honest they ALWAYS controlled his life. Once my Mother died he had no reason to care for anything or anyone else except the drugs. He could have. He could have woken up from his daze, gotten the help he needed, and been the Father we've needed since I was in High School.

And don't get me wrong, I know drug addiction is an illness. I know it's not easy to beat. I know it's one of the hardest things people can face. It's just... he had a 12 year old daughter that desperately needed her Father and instead of trying. Instead of fighting for her, he gave in and went into a downward spiral that continues today.

He left a message on my sister Teresa's answering machine last week at 2 in the afternoon. It was a butt dial and so it was him talking with two women about some crazy shit and then talking about what strength pills they wanted to do right then. Ugh. It was difficult to listen to. He sounded insane. Not surprising.

Whenever we confront him about it he asks us to prove that he's doing drugs and gets pissed off and disappears again for months at a time. Then he'll come back to Sunday dinners again like nothing ever happened and tell us he's stopped drinking. For two weeks. Then he'll be drinking a bottle of wine with dinner every weekend.

That call's been playing in my head since I listened to it on Sunday. That's probably why Amanda's post spoke to me so strongly. I know my Father has some kind of guardian angel that keeps him alive but it won't be long before I am truly an orphan if he keeps going the way he is. And as much as I hate him, as much as he disappoints me time and time again, the thought of losing my Father too makes me very sad.

He turned 62 on the 8th of January and he still acts like he's 15 years old. Now that I'm an adult and I look at his behavior I see he's always acted like he was 15 years old. He pretended to be an adult for awhile but it never stuck. He wanted somenone to do his laundry and cook his meals and take care of him the way his Mother did. My Mom did that. When she died, I wouldn't do that for him. I figured that a 53 year old man should be able to take care of his house and cooking his own meals and being responsible for his own child. I was so wrong. I was so SO wrong.

I'm very lucky that my husband and I could take in my sister Julia. She graduated from high school. Got a great scholarship for college. She found a job that she loves and even if she never graduates from college, that's fine. She's strong. She's had to be. Just like we all have.

I'm just feeling fragile and broken today and I want to sit at my desk and cry but I'm trying my hardest not to do that. I've got work to do and I really shouldn't be writing this, but I needed to. I needed to get this stuff off my chest. I'm usually pretty happy go lucky. I mean, look at my Facebook and it'll tell you.

Today is just not one of those days.
Mood:: 'sad' sad
Music:: Fitzcarraldo - The Frames
location: work
There are 3 comments on this entry. (Reply.)
posted by [identity profile] at 05:28am on 03/02/2014
I've had this post open in a tab since you posted it, trying to find the right words to say. But I don't think I'll ever figure out the right ones, so:

It breaks my heart that your mother was taken from you. I know that to have raised a wonderful woman like yourself, she must have been remarkable.

I cannot explain properly how much I admire you- how strong you are, not just for yourself, but also for how you took in Julia. There's nothing more touching than people who unexpectedly become parents and do an amazing job, and I really admire you for being such an amazing role model for her too.

I'm sorry to hear about your father. I really don't know what to say there. I wish I could give you a hug. <333333

posted by [identity profile] at 07:32pm on 03/02/2014
Oh Bex... Thank you. It's difficult because sometimes I just want to talk about my Father and all the shit he's put us all through and my family my husband, they've heard it all before and they don't want to rehash it again and again. I know they're tired of listening to me rant/vent.

It's just that it helps, you know, to get it out. Sometimes that's all I need is to just vent. Having a kind ear is sometimes what I really need and your words just made me weep because I really needed it. I wish I could get that hug too.

It's stupid that I've been feeling so broken lately. There's really no reason for it. My life is not bad at all. Julia moved to Charleston in December and I feel like that might be part of it. She's not right here where I can drive down the street and give her a hug. We text and talk on the phone but I really miss having her in the house. I guess I'm going through that Empty Nest Syndrome. My stepson Devin is 18, will graduate in May, and then he'll be moving out/on and I'll miss him too.

Everyone says "Well you just need to have a baby." but I honestly don't want a baby. It's just... I miss the closeness of them. When Devin is gone for the weekend I feel sad because we've lost time.

I'm sorry I'm going on and on. I could probably write another entry about this. *sigh* I won't though because work is a beast today. Are you blogging anywhere regularly? Shall I just start sending you random emails ranting about my life and things in general?

I just wanted to thank you for your words. They made me feel immensely better. Love you. <3 *massive wordy hugs*

posted by [identity profile] at 10:23pm on 08/02/2014
Just so you know- if you ever want to talk, about anything, my inbox is always open to you! I am a big believer that it's better to get the thoughts and words out, than to keep them bottled up. I think talking (or typing!) about something that's bothering you is a good way to take control, and not have it turn into controlling you.

Feeling broken 'without a reason' is the hardest thing, I think. A lot of people will never get to that point, and so they can never understand. Not having something you can pinpoint as the cause makes you start to wonder if you're being silly. Well, you're not. You're allowed to feel like this. And it makes complete sense that for so long, you've had this huge responsibility of parenting, and then having that child grow up and not need you in the same way- and it can leave you at a bit of a loss, even though you're happy she's living a wonderful life.

Ignore anyone who tells you what you need. Only you know that. Have you thought about scheduling regular 'quality time' moments with Julia and Devin? Ones where you get together and do some activity you love, that you can photograph and remember and hold on to for the moments when you're not together?

Never apologise for talking about how you feel. It's how we stay sane, after all! Honestly, I'm being pretty terrible about blogging lately. But please do send me all of the random, ranting emails about whatever you want to talk about. Do you still have my email address?

Love you too <3333. I'm not the most spiritual person in the world, but I completely believe that wherever your mom is, she couldn't possibly be more proud of you. You're following in her amazing footsteps, and I know that you, and how you life your life, and how you choose to love and care for others, makes you beyond wonderful. <3


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