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Absolutely my mother's death. August 14th, 2005. I'll never get the date out of my head. I'll never forget the way it felt when they told us that the blood in her brain would not subside. That there was no hope. I'll never forget hearing my father make the decision to turn off the life support. The minute the machines went off and Momma left us.

August 17th, 2005. The funeral. Touching her cold hand knowing that I'd never feel the brush against my forehead again. I'd never hear her laugh. I'd never watch her fix that long beautiful hair again. I'd never hug her.

So many things good happened after that day. So many things bad happened after that day. I hate that I didn't call Adam sooner so that he could have met her at least one day before she died. So that she would know that I found the perfect person. The one I had been looking for so long. I hate that my Father couldn't step up and be the man he could have been. Instead he collapsed into the man I always knew he was. My Mother raised us. My MOMMA did everything. She clothed us and listened to us and fed us and knew every little thing about us. He knew nothing and wanted to know nothing. The only thing WE, his children, were and always have been to him is a status symbol. He only ever cared what we did when we did something good because it made HIM look good.

Being able to leave my relationship with my Father behind was sad. But in the long run it has been so freeing.

I am an orphan now. But it's ok. I have my husband. I have my sisters. I have my stepson. I have my wonderful in-laws who love me. I have so much.

I just wish I still had my Momma to share it with.
Music:: Landslide - Fleetwood Mac
There are 2 comments on this entry. (Reply.)
 
posted by [identity profile] hawkward.livejournal.com at 09:00pm on 13/09/2010
Awww... {{{hugs}}}

Something you wrote caught me off guard, though...you said, "I am an orphan now," but I scrolled back through your posts and didn't see anything about your dad passing on. Did I miss something big?
 
posted by [identity profile] corbeau.livejournal.com at 09:23pm on 13/09/2010
Thanks.

No, he's still with us. I guess I meant figuratively an orphan. I don't have a Father anymore because I won't allow him into my life. So, yeah. He's been baiting my sisters with talk of his death, (he's having surgery that never gets scheduled... all lies) but he's too mean to die. He'll live forever. Bitter and alone. Deservedly.

*cough* Yeah, I'm a bit bitter too. *shrug* Everyone tells me I need to get over it. I guess I will one day. It's still too soon though.

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